The Übermidget hasn’t been updated in about four years, but I think the Christmas 2005 special issue still holds up. I wrote holiday songs for it, most of which I can still remember the arrangements for, except for “Rudolphio” which is more of a Ken Nordine kind of spoken word thing.
I don’t really have anything Thanksgiving related to say, other than Blackwolf the Dragonmaster will be marching by any means necessary in the Macy’s parade. At some point, they’re going to just have to realize that he is New York’s only wizard and give him a float.
Here is your Turkey GIF roundup:
We just need to do a few scary tests before we get to the scary operation and then we’ll send you to the scary recovery room and then we’ll let you know the scary results after we talk to your scary insurance company over the scary phone while we eat our scary danish and drink our scary coffee.
Pilates. Thanks for looking.
Hey! Can you help me out and eat some of these gross hors d’ouvres?
I would, but I’m vegan.
OH MY GOD! Vincent Price has all these people over in scary mansion for one night and he gives them guns and there are witches and an ACID BATH and there are three wonderful things about this movie:
1) The plot is spelled out within two minutes. And for that, William Castle, I thank you. You understand that American audiences do not have a lot of time to figure out the nuances of a horror movie. We have cookies to bake, costumes to make, medications to take.
2) This is the quintessential William Castle film, in that it celebrates scary stuff while still managing to be sinister enough to make an impression. It manages to celebrate horror movies without romanticizing them to the point of hokey rhapsody. If you’ve ever had to sit though a credit that reads “Dedicated to Lon and Bela!” written in a goofy font, you know what I mean.
3) The Witch on Wheels. She is mentioned in The 100 Scariest Movie Moments, and I thought that seeing the clip would make her a little less unnerving, but oh no. She’s still a great moment.
COSTUME IDEA RELATED TO THIS FILM: You could be a witch on wheels, or with a moustache and pomade, you could be Vincent Price who manages to stroll through the whole film without losing his composure.
This is what you would expect from a man who dedicated years of physical and emotional training to his craft . . .
BTW, I think Kermit’s confused. Vincent Price has never played a vampire, Vincent Price just is a vampire.
Incidentally, I have the 1999 remake of House on Haunted Hill, and nothing in it is as scary as actually living through the nineties.
Don’t touch the hair. I spent a lot of time on the hair.
NO CAN GO ON
Don’t do it, Frank. It’s not worth it.
The No Effort Halloween Costume is a time-honored tradition.
There are some people who don’t want to dress up like the Green Goblin for Halloween and spend all their time building an air skiff and worrying about Johnny Law confiscating their pumpkin bombs.
Similarly, some folks don’t want to go through the tedious time building a stillsuit from Dune because they A) never work right and B) no one, on any occasion, actually looks like Kyle McLaughlin. Not even Kyle McLaughlin, except for once, but like a long time ago.
And so with so many opportunities for failure as outlined in the two examples above, the no-effort costume was born. Pretty much because of Dune and Spiderman, but maybe there’s other stuff.
In 2000, people wore knitted caps and pretended to be from The Blair Witch Project. This resulted in a rash of supernatural deaths which no one in the Mainstream Media wants to talk about.
In 2003, my friends simply drew a lightning bolt on a guy’s forehead because he looked a lot like Harry Potter. He cooperated, but it’s not clear to me if he knew who Harry Potter was, because he spoke mostly German. Still! He was up for a lightning bolt scar, and that’s cooler than having a costume any day.
And anyone with a t-shirt and a plumber’s helper last year was Joe the Plumber. They were about as useful as he was.
Personally, I prefer simpler approaches, like just turning your watch back about ten minutes, and saying that you are yourself, ten minutes ago. Or pretending to sleepwalk. That type of stuff.
It’s pretty clear that this year most No Effort Costume People are going to be Falcon Heene, the boy who failed to be aboard his father’s stray airship when he needed to be there the most.
Let me be clear: this is messed up. The kid is six. It’s not okay to parody a six year old. You might as well go to a petting zoo and verbally mock all the baby ducks.* But I’m guessing that I’ll be seeing a few people dressed like children with mylar balloons over their shoulders or something like that, whether I want to or not, because that’s Halloween for you.
It looks like the main thing you need for this costume to work is an affable smile that inspires a fair amount of good will for something that was absolutely not your fault. But most of us lose that when we turn eight or nine.
*As opposed to pantomime, which is acceptable.
Hello! It’s October. Right now, there are thousands of store windows with disturbing scenes of violence and monsters rendered in vinyl, plastic, and occasionally, meat. People are planning to dress up as something monstrous and unusual. Well, some of them. A lot of them are going to just dress up as something that may very well be incorporated into their daily wardrobe for a year or two.
In any case, as we see less daylight, and more nightlight, our thoughts turn to what might just be hiding in that darkness, which is what I meant by nightlight.
Frankly, ever since the age of 29, I haven’t been that into Halloween, but way back in the halcyon days when I was 28, I used to be ready to rent scary movies and hand out or consume candy, and drink a fair amount of Octoberfest-branded ale.
What can you, the blog reader, expect from this blog this month?
Movie Recomendations There will be movie reviews presented to you in ranking scary-ness, with the very scariest being reviewed on Halloween itself.
Storefront Window Photos This is the time of year when store owners take leave of their senses. “Look, passer-by”, they say, “Here is something frightening in this store, which you could buy, presumably to display in your home.” I am here to document these frightening things, even though the thought nauseates me.
The Hall of Mirrors For one day only, this site will use a revolutionary technology that will actually turn your monitor into a distorted reflective surface, and then upload your reflection to our server, sort of like Apple’s Photo Booth program, but way weirder, and much heavier on bandwidth. You’ll be able to share your weird self-portrait with other NQMM readers online, with the intent to horrify each other in the process.
And then, a strange imp-like character will make appear in a chat window, and offer you a Faustian bargain seemingly apropos of nothing —
I’m sorry, I just got an email from WordPress. We can’t do this. It’s dangerous and illegal.
Anyway — Halloween!
Fraudulence is rampant on the internet.* If you don’t believe me, you can look that up on Alta Vista. And sometimes that rampant internet fraudulence takes on a holiday form.
At issue is the free holiday album 8-Bit Jesus by Doctor Octoroc, which has been hailed from everybody from offworld, to everybody who reads offworld on boingboing.net. This work is purported to be a collection of chip-tune versions “of a classic Christmas song done in the style of a different NES game.”
Yeah, you know what? These aren’t “in the style.” These actually were NES games which have been cleaned up and remastered. Most people don’t remember them, but as I was an intern at Nintendo Power, I had the privilege to play them whenever I liked, if I wasn’t making espresso with Mountain Dew or hauling wheelbarrows full of nachos.**
In any case, I can’t provide screenshots of these games, because these games were never in wide release. But below is a loose summary of what they were like, based on my memory.
Carol of the Belmonts Simon Belmont, of Castlevania, fights spooky carolers, revelers, reindeer, and haunted sleds, to get to his family’s house. Along the way, he chugs wassail and eggnog to stop time, and get drunk. By whipping holiday lights and candles, he can earn hearts, which are meaningless because he is completely incapable of love.
There is a twist ending where we learn that Dracula is really Simon Belmont’s stepfather, and they don’t say anything to each other at the table. This scene can only be triggered by winning the game twice and watching the credits.
The Legend of Noel You are Noel, a small boy with a big adventure ahead of you. You must reunite the pieces of the Mincemeat Pie, which are hidden in various dank dungeons. Each piece of pie contains a valuable gemstone, as well as a limited amount of nutrition, which you will need because you’re constantly assailed by monstering monsters, who are victims of monsterism. This game takes forever. Presumably, if you win, a curse will be lifted. Chances are, you will be too tired to notice.
Super Jingle Bros Mario and Luigi Kringle are plumbers in Santa’s workshop. After going to check out a leaky pipe, they discover that King Bowser, who is a dragon, but also something of a turtle, is planning to STEAL CHRISTMAS.
They fight him, but he evades capture for a mind-numbing 100 levels. After he falls into boiling lava, they realize that they’re not going to be paid for killing a him, and that to fix the leak, they need to order a part that’s going to take at least two weeks to acquire.
Still, it’s nice to know that these old tunes have a home, outside of the lonely confines of my memories.
Doctor Octoroc can be found here, and his album must be downloaded whatever the cost.
—————————-
* Just yesterday my inbox was inundated with “Buy a Paper Car for $1″ emails, which do not actually show you how to buy a paper car, but rather, download plans to build a highly theoretical and possibly dangerous vehicle which will turn into a flaming wreck when you turn the ignition key. That is messed up.
** Recently learned that the cheese dust was toxic. Consulting my attorney now.
Dear Reader,
A few months back, when this blog was still in pamphlet form, I was contacted to write an educational Christmas special for a certain television network.
One was a CSI-style nativity special where a panel of professionals and biblical scholars use sophisticated computer graphics and tape measures figure out which animals were in the manger and at what time. The theory being that if one of them had been touched by Jesus, Joseph, or Mary might give them special powers. Then, we’d look for this barn animal’s descendant today, and put it in a cage for all to see.
I was told that this was unethical, and that it would also just take forever. I suggested that we simply find any old sheep and say it touched the messiah, because there’s just no way to know. This was also rejected.
Next up was the project titled Real Holiday Santa!, where we would find an gray haired overweight guy to climb down chimneys with toys and see if he could deliver them to more than five houses on Christmas night, and live to tell the tale (1).
I was told that this was possibly even more unethical than the first idea. Frankly, I don’t see how. But they liked the concept.
The network suggested that we use young people who would simply dress up as Santa, and compete to climb down the most chimneys. There would be a jock, vegan librarian, and a left-handed rock musician, and one of them would be the Real Holiday Santa!.
After discussing this, we all suddenly became violently ill, many of us felt panic, and one high ranking executive experienced hysterical blindness.
And that was the end of that.
Finally, I wrote a little half-hour special in the style of Rankin and Bass’s animated fare, It’s Christmastime in Dinosaurtown! which we all agreed, was quite possibly the worst of all three ideas.
Nobody, and I do mean nobody, likes a talking dinosaur, much less one who celebrates an annual holiday with friends and family. This is why so many dinosaurs are filled with rage, and demolish entire cities: they have no way of expressing their joy.
Shown: A Tyranosaurus Rex, Overwhelmed with Emotion
What is excerpted here are some vignettes which I legally can not encourage you to read with friends or family at home, each playing the part of the different dinosaurs.
If you do, it is important that you use a funny voice reminiscent of early Hanna Barbara cartoons. It is also important that you animate all the scenes here, and then write me a check for thousands of dollars. If you want to, you can write the check first and skip step two.
There are also links to dinosaurs from the completely amazing and sublimely beautiful Dinosaur Collector. to give you an idea of what each creature would look like. You will need to add in little accessories like wool hats, shirtcuffs, cigarettes, etc., in your mind.
Happy Holidays!
SETTING: A frozen lake, where three little dinosaurs skate about merrily,
dressed in wool hats and scarves. They are ANKLOSAURUS,
VELOCIPRATOR, AND DEINONYCHUS.
ANKLOSAURUS
Only twelve more days until Christmas!
VELOCIRAPTOR
And then we drink eggnog!
DEINONYCHUS
And unwrap our presents!
(A Tanystropheus breaks through the ice. The little dinosaurs scream and fall about in comedic fashion. The Velociraptor picks himself up slowly, in
pain.The Plesiosaur cranes his neck through the ice, to survey the damage.)
TANYSTROPHEUS
Ho ho! Just thought I’d give you a little Christmas S-C-A-R-E!
VELOCIRAPTOR
Ow . . .
ANKLOSAURUS
What on earth are you talking about? Christmas is a time of joy and giving.
Not fear!
TANYSTROPHEUS
Oh . . . You’re sure about that?
(The little dinosaurs nod their heads vehemently, except for Velociraptor
who begins rubbing his front forelimb)
VELOCIRAPTOR
What does it mean when your arm is backwards?
TANYSTROPHEUS
Oh dear. You see, I’m so often underwater, I tend
to lose track of these land-based holidays.
DEINONYCHUS
That’s preposterous. You’re a slow swimmer at best, so you’re never that far underwater.
VELOCIRAPTOR
Can I drive like this? I have to drive my little brother
home from soccer practice.
TANYSTROPHEUS
Well, I’m a much faster swimmer than your friend, Anklosaurus. Ho! Ho!
ANKLOSAURUS
The reason you don’t know which holiday is which is because you’re
addicted to consuming rancid fruit. While it may initially give you a
euphoric sensation, it is surely giving you brain and liver damage.
TANYSTROPHEUS
How did you know that?
DEINONYCHUS
Oh, all of Dinosaurtown is talking about it.
VELOCIRAPTOR
The SATs are tomorrow. How will I fill in all the little bubbles?
(Tanystropheus looks guilty, and then his eyes are wide with hope)
TANYSTROPHEUS
Say, do you think you could teach me about the meaning of Christmas?
ANKLOSAURUS
Well, actually, the annual Dinosaurtown pageant is coming up.
You could learn about it then!
DEINONYCHUS
And then you could go into rehab!
VELOCIPRAPTOR
I have to work at the GAP tonight so I can buy
medicine for my grandmother . . .
TANYSTROPHEUS
Pageant?
SETTING: The Dinosaur school auditorium. Tyranosaurus is furiously pacing, wringing his tiny little claws. Triceratops watches, uneasily, sipping a mug of hot chocolate)
TYRANOSAURUS
Ten days until the pageant and still no Joseph! What are we going to do?
TRICERATOPS
Why can’t you use Timothy Stegosaurus?
TYRANOSAURUS
(Exasperated) Do you really think he can grow a beard in ten days?
TRICERATOPS
It doesn’t have to be a real beard. We could make one out of feathers.
TYRANOSAURUS
Now I’ve heard it all! A fake beard? You think Joseph had a fake beard?
(Triceratops shrugs)
TYRANOSAURUS
Well, I’ll be sure to bring up your fake beard theory at the annual
bake sale. I suppose you’ll be hot-gluing googly eyes and fake beards on candycanes . . . again.
TRICERATOPS
Well, they always sell out. Unlike your banana bread.
TYRANOSAURUS
It’s plantana bread, you philistine!
(A door opens and a panicked Dilophosaurus runs in.)
DILOPHOSAURUS
Emergency! Emergency! Christmas is under attack!
TYRANOSAURUS
What?!?
TRICERATOPS
What can you mean?
DILOPHOSAURUS
There’s a giant brontosaurus eating all our christmas trees!
TRICERATOPS
I think you mean apatosaurus. That’s what they’re called now.
DILOPHOSAURUS
Oh, right. Well, whatever it is, it’s out there, and it’s munching our
christmas trees!
TYRANOSAURUS
I’ll put a stop to this–they don’t call me the tyrant lizard for nothing!
TRICERATOPS
Are you sure it isn’t because you take forever to
order a latte?
TYRANOSAURUS
It’s because no one would dare oppose me on the battlefield,
especially after I’ve had a latte!
TRICERATOPS
What are you planning on doing to a 23-meter long apatosaur?
Scratch it with your two little fingers?
TYRANOSAURUS
Well, I–I could.
TRICERATOPS
Listen, anybody who hasn’t bought a tree by now isn’t trying. So I’m not at
all sure how this qualifies as an attack on Christmas.
DILOPHOSAURUS
Well, I admit that I’m prone to exaggeration. It’s probably not a big deal.
TYRANOSAURUS
So why did you burst in here?
Don’t you know we’re in the middle of a real crisis?
DILOPHOSAURUS
Well . . . . ever since you cut me from the annual pageant, I haven’t had a
lot to do . . . So . . . I’ve been taking a wine class . . . in my basement.
For a couple of days, now.
TRICERATOPS
Oh, dear. You know, Ty, maybe we could–
TYRANOSAURUS
The part of the savior has been filled! And you’re too short to be Joseph.
DILOPHOSAURUS
I could be one of the kings!
TYRANOSAURUS
The three kings do not have drinking problems!
DILOPHOSAURUS
You don’t know that!
TRICERATOPS
Actually, some scholars think that–
TYRANOSAURUS
Don’t you have something to gore?
TRICERATOPS
Yelling at me is not going to get you a Joseph.
TYRANOSAURUS
You know what? You know what? It’s a good thing
Mr. Drinklosaurus showed up, because now I have a
new assistant director.
TRICERATOPS
(Gasps)
DILOPHOSAURUS
You won’t regret this! Thank you so much.
TYRANOSAURUS
Your first act as assistant director is to get me
a nonfat latte with extra foam!
DILOPHOSAURUS
What size?
TYRANOSAURUS
Large, but not too large!
DILOPHOSAURUS
Right!
TYRANOSAURUS
And you, Mr. Triceratops–you can take off that
assistant director t-shirt right now!
TRICERATOPS
It’s my shirt, Ty.
TYRANOSAURUS
But it is a LIE!
TRICERATOPS
Fine, if it gets me out of listening to your little snits.
Good luck finding a Joseph!
TYRANOSAURUS
I’ve already figured that out! The brontosaurus can be Joseph!
TRICERATOPS
A-P-A-T-O-S-A-U-R-U-S
TYRANOSAURUS
Whatever! He’s taller than Mary, that’s all that matters!
TRICERATOPS
He’s THREE times the size of Mary.
TYRANOSAURUS
I take it that you’re not aware of the immaculate conception?
TRICERATOPS
Don’t drag this into the gutter. My point is that it’s no wonder that
there’s no room at the inn, Joseph is SEVENTY-FIVE-FEET long!
TYRANOSAURUS
Oh, now really. He didn’t want to the inn for himself.
SETTING: MR. and MRS. PTERODACTYL (2) are surveying their eggs in their mountain nest.
MR. PTERODACTYL
Oh, gosh, they’re all so sweet just lying there, encased in goo, inside
their shells, waiting for the day when they’ll capture smaller animals in
their claws, and possibly eat them in mid-air . . .
MRS. PTERODACTYL
Don’t get too attached. Some of them are bound
to get eaten by the neighbors.
MR. PTERODACTYL
Oh, I know, I know. Say–Christmas is only twelve days away!
MRS. PTERODACTYL
Yes?
MR. PTERODACTYL
W-w-w-w-well-well, I mean they’re going to hatch around then!
MRS. PTERODACTYL
Oh!
MR. PTERODACTYL
And we haven’t got them any presents.
MRS. PTERODACTYL
Oh, but they’re so little . . .
MR. PTERODACTYL
That doesn’t matter. We have to get them . . . something!
MRS. PTERODACTYL
How about those candy canes from the annual bake sale?
There are usually a bunch of them.
MR. PTERODACTYL
No, those suck! We should get them something . . . something fun.
A toy. Iknow! I’ll fly to the North Pole, to Santa’s workshop, and
bring back some toys!
MRS. PTERODACTYL
Harold!
MR. PTERODACTYL
Sure! And I’ll explain that I forgot to write him a letter because
we were busy fending off predators. He’ll understand!
MRS. PTERODACTYL
Couldn’t we just email him?
MR. PTERODACTYL
Oh yeah, we could do that.
THE END
1. This is all without all the safety harness nonsense, and he absolutely has to eat cookies and milk at every house.
2. I know that Pterodactyls are technically not dinosaurs, and that the term is vague. So these winged reptiles could be almost anybody in the Pteorodactyl family, except for Quetzalcoatlus northropi, which freak me out.
