Never Question My Methods

To You Dear Sir,

13 years ago an elderly neighbor paid me 5Susan B. Anthony dollars to check her attic for weevils which she believed were congregating  at night & forming a new government. While investigating the matter, I found a copy of Time Life Book’s Mysterious Lands and Peoples. I need not explain that I soon found myself immersed in the text & then covered in weevils.

The book features a picture of Stonehenge. It occurred to me that because the configuration of ink and the stones themselves are the same that printed page was in itself a stonehenge and that consequently there are at least as many stonehenges in the world as there are copies Mysterious Places. After doing some research on the internet I have determined that there are at least 6milion surviving copies of this book.

I write to you & all other bloggers to beg that you please not every upload a picture of stonehenge to your website webmyspace twitterfeed or blog. My belief is that it is very possible that one day there may be one picture of stonehenge for every human life on the planet and that the earth will then shape-shift or metamorph into a Stone Henge. This is problematic because it will relocate all our national forests and sources of water and plant meat.

I thank you for your urgent help in this matter. Please spread the word.

Please do not print my name or email address.

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Dear Never Question My Methods,

Thanks so much for that great review of the Sanguine Sunshine Cupcake Saloon in the West Village. I took all my friends and we sat and had A LOT of coffee and cupcakes, and then we looked at the cupcake wrappers, and we felt a little sad, and then we got into our cars and we thought about how cupcakes can’t sit in a box by themselves — they need a molded seating area, so that they don’t tip over.

In other words, they exactly like us, because they need a greater being who will look after them, apply frosting, put them in a special box, and eventually eat them.

Did you know that the real meaning of “apocalypse” means the uncovering???

Please do not print my name or email address.

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Dear Never Question My Methods,

Thanks so much for that recipe for artichoketinis. My husband and I recently found a bunch of artichoke-shaped mugs, and we’re thinking of using them to highlight this excellent cocktail.

Or is that overdoing it? I don’t want to mess this up. I’ve thrown six parties in four years and all of them have sucked and now I have this great drink recipe and it finally seems like everything is coming together and my god it’s nearly time to leave the office and I still haven’t had lunch and what the hell am I doing with my time where does it all go I feel like I know more about the pastries in china or what kind of hats a cat can wear or how to buy organic olive oil than I do about my actual life and I remember thinking that I wanted to be a marine biologist and where did that time go because it seems like I was going to finally pet a dolphin after all these years and now the only thing I think about is whether or not there’s anything good in the office vending machine and there are still all those dolphins but the only ones I’ve seen have probably been in a can of tuna and I remember thinking once that it would be all right if I drowned while holding onto a manatee because the manatee wouldn’t know any better and maybe I could save it from the outboard motors and it would all be fine if I could just stop thinking about it is it too early for a drink I don’t even know if artichokes are in season I just don’t want to be picking thistles out of the vermouth again.

I will send you the pictures of the mugs as soon as I can stop crying.

Please do not print my name or email address.