Or, Four Reasons Why I am Still Obsessed with a Videogame from 1982
I. Title
Hey, is it BurgerTime?
No, no, we’re just having dinner. I don’t know that I want to call it BurgerTime. That seems crass.
But we’re having burgers, right?
Yes, but it’s really a time for us to talk and eat food with our hands and take time to recount our fortunes and misfortunes along the road of life. At some point, there might even be dancing.
But it’s happening at a certain time, and there will be hamburgers, right?
There will be some very large hamburgers, but we’re also expecting pickles and eggs and hotdogs, although the rumor is that those latter comestibles are somewhat irked with me, as I am a chef, and they are opposed to this profession.
In fact, one of them of them threatened to chase us around a vertical maze of their own construction. In consideration of the fact that some of our entrees are not going to be as pleased with our company as the hamburgers, I suppose, if you must, you could call these gathering – -
BURGERTIME!
Very well then.
II. Inversion of Standard Videogame Semiotics
Food! I should wander towards it and power-up!
Oh no.
Food! I should wander towards it and power-up!
Oh no.
III. Formality and Gender
“While making burgers, Peter Pepper must deal with three enemies: Mr. Hot Dog, Mr. Pickle, and Mr. Egg. Enemies can be dodged, killed, or temporarily stunned.”–Wikipedia
Ahah, Mr. Egg! You have met an unfortunate end as the result of my hidden pepper supply! Look onward!, Mr. Pickle and Mr. Hot Dog – - for the sake of your children and your wives and your wives’ children and your children’s wives – - the abyss awaits you, should you chase me further!
IV. A Remarkable Scarcity of Human Dignity
If I must run from food, I must wear a chef’s outfit while doing so.
If I must wear a chef’s outfit while running from food, I must also be shaped like a rectangle.
If I finally reach the pepper, it must not vanquish my foes, but rather, temporarily stun them while I run from them like a coward.
If I run like a coward, I may also use myself as bait, to trick foes into following me onto thinly-disguised traps.
If I complete a level, it is not to rescue a damsel in distress or financial gain, but rather, merely for the sake of my own life. Which is defined by being chased by what I cannot control.
More pepper, please.
(I’m also obsessed because it’s one of the hardest games I’ve ever played)
