I should go to bed, it’s getting late.
—Wait: you mean that time, while we were talking, has continued to accumulate at the same rate?
Yes. And in fact it’s still happening right now.
—Shit . . .
Archive for March, 2009
CONVERSATIONS I HAVE WITH MY WIFE, AT AROUND 11:45 PM
March 26, 2009THERE ARE TIMES AND PLACES
March 25, 2009
I have been looking for a way to avoid wearing suspenders with a belt for at least ten years of my professional life. But even in my wildest dreams, I couldn’t imagine that someone would build a pants-suspension device that could also look like some kind of unfortunate and outdated medical contraption.
. . . much less print “Connecting the Shirt to the Pants” on the package itself.
The Suspendease People, have done me a great service. And I thank them for it. Also, the fact that they let me know that these work “almost as good” as suspenders really inspires a great confidence in their honesty.
Also? They sell suspenders, too. All kinds. Because while there are times and places when you may not want to wear suspenders, there are also times and places when you might.
Suspendease: if you’re reading this, I believe in what you’re doing, even though I haven’t experienced your product first-hand.
On a personal level–although I would not object if you put these testimonials on your website and paid me, say, five thousand dollars–I want to list just a few times and places when I don’t want to wear suspenders with a belt.
5:29 AM, Weekends This is “Me Time.” That’s all I have to say.
Middle Village, Queens There are very few suspenders there. Don’t believe me? Drive around and ask.
While Running from the Law (On Foot). The police might grab hold of a suspender strap, and while I would then easily increase my speed, the elastic strap would pull me back in a comedic fashion. This is what I dread the most.
Most Parts of Egypt, or a Very Metropolitan Museum See above, but substitute “police” for “mummies”.
The Astral Plane Suspenders interfere with my aura.
While Appearing on Television See above.
12:11 PM, Weekdays This is “Blog Time.”
Again, Suspendease: THANKS.
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE BUS DRIVER FOR THE 8:00 NY TO BOSTON
March 24, 2009
Dude:
When I saw the stuffed husky puppy doll over the dreamcatcher on your fully-carpeted bus, I knew two things:
1. “This guy,” I said, “knows how to deal with bad vibes.”
The dreamcatcher filters the smaller stuff, the puppy handles what remains. That is a two-pronged attack on fear, doubt, and negativity.
2. I am in the presence of a vehicle-decorating mastermind.
And it makes me want to buy a van, or something big, just so you can decorate it.
But what I didn’t know was that you were also a fan of the cinema. I wouldn’t have chosen to see No Reservations or Codename: The Cleaner — much less in the same sitting! — but I was impressed by the pairing. No Reservations features food that I am slightly interested in eating, and The Cleaner makes me not want to eat at all.
And both films had at least one scene which was basically just to make fun of chinese people. Which is odd, given that we are all riding on a chinatown bus. It made me understand that no commercial film, no matter how successful, is really above making fun of an ethnicity. I feel like you were highlighting just how widespread this particular prejudice is, using an interesting cross-section of genre, and I thank you for it.
Seriously, though, if you hadn’t had that dreamcatcher, I think these movies might have been really unpleasant. I just feel like there was a lot of negative energy invested in both of them.
Question: some of the overhead bins were locked for this trip: did you have power crystals in them? Because I wear one around my neck, and it was glowing, and it’s only supposed to glow around other power crystals. If not, definitely think about it.
Woah! I’m utterly off topic. Let me have a sip of coffee here, and I’ll be right back.
Anyway, what I really wanted to talk about was something you said to me — well, I guess you were really talking to the passengers. You reminded everybody to pick up their trash, and then you added, “I’m nice to you, be nice to me.”
And that’s kind of where I started to feel like maybe you had a little too much invested too much in us as passengers. Niceness isn’t really what I’m looking for in a busdriver. Frankly, it makes me a little bit nervous.
Let me tell you a little story about a friend of mine, who was a bus driver in college. He once saw a guy driving in the kind of swervy way that you associate with a drunk driver, so he just took the bus, and blocked the guy’s car with it.
The guy yelled at him, and that’s when he knew that the driver was definitely drunk, because he was slurring his speach, and my friend just said, “No. You’re drunk. Get off the road.” And the guy turned around.
The best part of this is that the guy was so angry, he called the cops, who breathalyzed him and everything worked out.
OK, I made that part up. That didn’t happen. What really happened was that the guy called the bus company to complain, but my friend got a pat on the back from his supervisor.
Where am I going with this? Oh, right. I just never get to tell that story, so I took the opportunity because I figure you bus driver guys have those kinds of experiences. No wait, I think I was going to talk about niceness as opposed to . . . hang on . . .
I just think you should have to be nice to people. I think they need to respect you. You have a dreamcatcher, a stuffed husky puppy, and a slew of DVDs that tell us a lot about our society. We — the passengers — do not.
Anyway, I burnt a CD for the next trip I see you on, and I’d really like your opinion on what kind of vehicle I should buy. It has to be big for the atmosphere, but small enough to park in New York or Boston or wherever.
–Evan
I WILL USE CLEVER QUESTIONS TO EASE MY WAY INTO SMALL TALK
March 19, 2009Thank you, Lifehacker and Wired How-To Wiki. This is going to make my morning chit-chat so much easier.
Farley recommends opening any socially-forced conversation with a “wry observation phrased as a question,” rather than jamming out your hand for a shake or blurting your name. You could, in certain situations, wonder aloud whether you’re at a popular tech conference or a massive iPhone field test. Or wonder aloud what everyone at the office is thinking, with just a hint of rebellious humor. However you break in, you should start thinking ahead into how you’ll further affirm your rapport.
. . .
As you listen to the reply, prep your next move. Aim for 15-second bursts that segue into further questions.
Sounds good! I am ready for elevator conversation!
So! Am I at a popular tech conference or a massive iPhone field test?
15 – 14 – 13 – 12 – 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – Go!
Do these elevator rides usually end in brawls? ‘Cause I’m a little out of shape …
15 – 14 – 13 – 12 – 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – Go! Go!
It certainly is very tense inside this elevator. That was just a wry observation!
15 – 14 – 13 – 12 – 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – Go! Go! Go!
Unless I miss my guess, we could probably talk about something that is more interesting to you, like yourself. Most people’s favorite topic is themselves!
So what’s your problem?
15 – 14 – 13 – 12 – 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3- 2 – 1 – 1 – 1 . . . Go.
I . . . I don’t really . . . have . . . anything . . . to say. I was going to prepare my reply while you were talking, but you’re . . you’re just kind of staring at me . . . and . . . this is the longest elevator ride. I mean, I was only going to the second floor and that seems like it was hours ago. And . . . I . . . there . . . I hope . . . maybe . . . the doors . . . will open now . . . . 15, 14, 13 . . . sigh.
BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER
March 19, 2009
Here are some other bloggers who have written about stuff you’ve seen here.
The Girl Who Ate Everything tried the Irish Moss Peanut Butter Drink of Doom. My favorite line: “What’s it doing in a can?”
Alex Blagg was a fan of P. Diddy’s Twitter feed before it was cool, or on this blog, or whatever you want to call it.
Either you like the Papa Loves/d Baby tag, or you don’t. Actually, that’s totally not true. BeehiveHairdresser has both bases covered.
I HAVE BATMAN STICKERS FOR YOU
March 19, 2009I found this, years ago, in a dollar store, and it is so wonderful, I just had to share it with you.
I’m guessing it’s unlicensed. Just a guess.
THANK YOU FOR READING THIS BLOG SO MUCH THAT IT IS MORE POPULAR
March 16, 2009Whoever you are, it’s nice that you’re reading my bog.
This amazing heart graphic has been generously donated by www.arthursclipart.org
SAVE THE GULF BRANCH NATURE CENTER
March 12, 2009
I grew up in Arlington, Virginia, a county which is partially bordered by the Potomac River. There are a few official trails that can take you to the same shores that native Americans and early colonists walked along.
One of the best is Gulf Branch, which also features a community nature center, where you can see an authentic dugout canoe and learn a bit about the county’s long, (and sometimes brutal) history.
I attended camp at Gulf Branch and learned how to mark a trail, fish, roast things over fires, identify poison ivy, learn about which snakes were native to Arlington, that kind of thing. It was useful and entertaining, and I’ve been back to Gulf Branch many times.
So, naturally, there are plans to tear the place down.
After demolishing Gulf Branch, as well as eliminating a hazardous materials coordinator at the Pentagon, consolidating programs for seniors and residents who need physical and mental assistance, and cutting benefits for families receiving help under the federal Women, Infants and Children program. Arlington County would save the entirely negligible amount of 1.3% over last year.
Please sign the petition here.
CONVERSATIONS I HAVE WITH MY WIFE, ABOUT THIS BLOG
March 11, 2009“So why weevils?”
I just like that they’re beatles with a more sinister name. I am certain that this makes them funnier. We could change them to something else.
“But who would go into an attic to look for them?”
Well, when I was growing up, our attic was overrun by squirrels . . .
“And did you go looking for them?”
. . . No . . .
I, FOR ONE, DO NOT REGRET SUBSCRIBING TO SEAN COMBS’S TWITTER FEED
March 11, 2009
I know you’re probably thinking, “If his Twitters are even half as good as his music, this is a sure thing.” And I can’t argue with you there. But similar to his production style, the guy just kind of takes over your Twitter feed, and makes it his. And yet, I’m not offended. He’s so optimistic about damn near everything, or at least, whatever it is he’s talking about. As he puts it:
“Jump into Gods arms and let him take you to the next level!”.
UPDATE:
I may never unsubscribe after receving this message: Let’s pray that god ends poverty and we need to stop wasting food people pls! Love yall Let’s go !! I’m awake!!!
