by Former President William Howard Taft
1. I was the 27th President. But you know that.
2. I was going to star in a film with Alex Winter, called “Dude President”, in which Alex Winter goes back in time and meets my cabinet, and I learn to skateboard.
3. The above isn’t true, but Alex and I pitched the idea way back in 2000. He was teaching me to skateboard at the time. I can do a wheelie for about three feet before scraping the tail on the ground. Is that a trick, or perhaps a novelty?
4. I was 300 lbs of pure POTUS, but now I’m down to a slim 277.
5. If I keep eating this popcorn, I’ll be back up to 299.
Oh, all right, all right, 304. It’s kettle corn.
6. I realize that this is almost a long-dead issue, but I have to set the record straight. I was anti-prohibition before it was a thing to be.
7. I have a cane made from 250,000-year-old wood.
Well, I used to have it. Somebody else has it now. But sometimes I would just lean on it and think, “as old as this cane and I are, put together, that’s still just a drop in the bucket compared to Eleanor Roosevelt.”
Hah! Kidding, Eleanor. That’s a little bit of Skull and Bones humor for you.
8. I really was kidding. Please tell Teddy to stop blogging about what a jerk I am. Hah! I remember when the only thing he wanted to shoot was bears. Now he’s got his sights set on whoever leaves mean comments on his blog.
9. I really did get stuck in the White House bath tub. I’m guessing that President Obama will not have this problem, but should it occur–you will need a gallon of butter, and six white house aids. Not necessarily because you’re stuck in the bathtub, it’s just the start for a great party.
10. I’m only up to ten things? Wow. This isn’t easy. Umm, Lost is on, and I was going to DVR it, but I’ve just got to know if they’re going to find Farraday’s mom.
11. If I had a constant, it would be you, Nellie. I promise I’ll get up from the computer soon. Bring me more popcorn!
12. I never managed to rap, but I can beatbox like it’s 1989. Much respect to Shockbox, Scratch, and Rahzel. Put the T.A.F.T. on an album, guys!
[ Stands for Tha Amazin' F**kin' T.A.F.T. ]
13. I know people want to ask me what I think about the Stimulus Package: it’s a great name for an album. Does anybody buy albums today?
14. Nobody ever mentions that I was the first Unitarian president. So I’ll just bring it up here.
15. I knew that waxed mustaches would make a comeback. Keep hope alive.
16. Still haven’t seen Slumdog! Waiting for the DVD.
17. It tried to take a picture of myself every day for a year but I got depressed. So I took a picture of the same picture for a year, and that seemed to even things out.
18. Not only do I not believe in the stretching of presidential powers, but I hate anything with a superhero in it. Or psychics. Or people who can talk to animals. Give me something with a real story and a lot of descriptions of well-aged french cheeses and crisp baguettes.
[ There's a joke in there somewhere, but I'm not going there. ]
19. I have a Facebook group. But with only 5 members? Come on! Let’s get that to capacity.
20. I liked the season 2 of the Wire. But only because Horseface would have made an awesome VP.
21. When I said, “I don’t remember that I ever was President” I must confess that was a bit of hyperbole.
You never forget the first time you’re able to park in DC without circling the city for six or seven times.
22. When they said I was “the man to put in the barn” Vice President Sherman started calling me Haystack.
Until I put him in a half-nelson.
23. Just kidding. It was a full-nelson.
24. My fingers are getting tired. Uhmmmmm. Depression-era drinks are making a comback? I still haven’t had an appletini, a saketini, or a cosmo. Do people still make those?
25. If you’ve read this, then I’ve tagged you. Write 25 things about yourself!
I know that’ll be hard for you, Teddy. Maybe you should tie one hand behind your back.
