Dear Reader,
A few months back, when this blog was still in pamphlet form, I was contacted to write an educational Christmas special for a certain television network.
One was a CSI-style nativity special where a panel of professionals and biblical scholars use sophisticated computer graphics and tape measures figure out which animals were in the manger and at what time. The theory being that if one of them had been touched by Jesus, Joseph, or Mary might give them special powers. Then, we’d look for this barn animal’s descendant today, and put it in a cage for all to see.
I was told that this was unethical, and that it would also just take forever. I suggested that we simply find any old sheep and say it touched the messiah, because there’s just no way to know. This was also rejected.
Next up was the project titled Real Holiday Santa!, where we would find an gray haired overweight guy to climb down chimneys with toys and see if he could deliver them to more than five houses on Christmas night, and live to tell the tale (1).
I was told that this was possibly even more unethical than the first idea. Frankly, I don’t see how. But they liked the concept.
The network suggested that we use young people who would simply dress up as Santa, and compete to climb down the most chimneys. There would be a jock, vegan librarian, and a left-handed rock musician, and one of them would be the Real Holiday Santa!.
After discussing this, we all suddenly became violently ill, many of us felt panic, and one high ranking executive experienced hysterical blindness.
And that was the end of that.
Finally, I wrote a little half-hour special in the style of Rankin and Bass’s animated fare, It’s Christmastime in Dinosaurtown! which we all agreed, was quite possibly the worst of all three ideas.
Nobody, and I do mean nobody, likes a talking dinosaur, much less one who celebrates an annual holiday with friends and family. This is why so many dinosaurs are filled with rage, and demolish entire cities: they have no way of expressing their joy.
Shown: A Tyranosaurus Rex, Overwhelmed with Emotion
What is excerpted here are some vignettes which I legally can not encourage you to read with friends or family at home, each playing the part of the different dinosaurs.
If you do, it is important that you use a funny voice reminiscent of early Hanna Barbara cartoons. It is also important that you animate all the scenes here, and then write me a check for thousands of dollars. If you want to, you can write the check first and skip step two.
There are also links to dinosaurs from the completely amazing and sublimely beautiful Dinosaur Collector. to give you an idea of what each creature would look like. You will need to add in little accessories like wool hats, shirtcuffs, cigarettes, etc., in your mind.
Happy Holidays!
IT’S CHRISTMASTIME IN DINOSAURTOWN!
SCENE 1: THE MERRY FROZEN CHRISTMAS LAKE
SETTING: A frozen lake, where three little dinosaurs skate about merrily,
dressed in wool hats and scarves. They are ANKLOSAURUS,
VELOCIPRATOR, AND DEINONYCHUS.
ANKLOSAURUS
Only twelve more days until Christmas!
VELOCIRAPTOR
And then we drink eggnog!
DEINONYCHUS
And unwrap our presents!
(A Tanystropheus breaks through the ice. The little dinosaurs scream and fall about in comedic fashion. The Velociraptor picks himself up slowly, in
pain.The Plesiosaur cranes his neck through the ice, to survey the damage.)
TANYSTROPHEUS
Ho ho! Just thought I’d give you a little Christmas S-C-A-R-E!
VELOCIRAPTOR
Ow . . .
ANKLOSAURUS
What on earth are you talking about? Christmas is a time of joy and giving.
Not fear!
TANYSTROPHEUS
Oh . . . You’re sure about that?
(The little dinosaurs nod their heads vehemently, except for Velociraptor
who begins rubbing his front forelimb)
VELOCIRAPTOR
What does it mean when your arm is backwards?
TANYSTROPHEUS
Oh dear. You see, I’m so often underwater, I tend
to lose track of these land-based holidays.
DEINONYCHUS
That’s preposterous. You’re a slow swimmer at best, so you’re never that far underwater.
VELOCIRAPTOR
Can I drive like this? I have to drive my little brother
home from soccer practice.
TANYSTROPHEUS
Well, I’m a much faster swimmer than your friend, Anklosaurus. Ho! Ho!
ANKLOSAURUS
The reason you don’t know which holiday is which is because you’re
addicted to consuming rancid fruit. While it may initially give you a
euphoric sensation, it is surely giving you brain and liver damage.
TANYSTROPHEUS
How did you know that?
DEINONYCHUS
Oh, all of Dinosaurtown is talking about it.
VELOCIRAPTOR
The SATs are tomorrow. How will I fill in all the little bubbles?
(Tanystropheus looks guilty, and then his eyes are wide with hope)
TANYSTROPHEUS
Say, do you think you could teach me about the meaning of Christmas?
ANKLOSAURUS
Well, actually, the annual Dinosaurtown pageant is coming up.
You could learn about it then!
DEINONYCHUS
And then you could go into rehab!
VELOCIPRAPTOR
I have to work at the GAP tonight so I can buy
medicine for my grandmother . . .
TANYSTROPHEUS
Pageant?
SCENE 2: PAGEANT? PAGEANT!
SETTING: The Dinosaur school auditorium. Tyranosaurus is furiously pacing, wringing his tiny little claws. Triceratops watches, uneasily, sipping a mug of hot chocolate)
TYRANOSAURUS
Ten days until the pageant and still no Joseph! What are we going to do?
TRICERATOPS
Why can’t you use Timothy Stegosaurus?
TYRANOSAURUS
(Exasperated) Do you really think he can grow a beard in ten days?
TRICERATOPS
It doesn’t have to be a real beard. We could make one out of feathers.
TYRANOSAURUS
Now I’ve heard it all! A fake beard? You think Joseph had a fake beard?
(Triceratops shrugs)
TYRANOSAURUS
Well, I’ll be sure to bring up your fake beard theory at the annual
bake sale. I suppose you’ll be hot-gluing googly eyes and fake beards on candycanes . . . again.
TRICERATOPS
Well, they always sell out. Unlike your banana bread.
TYRANOSAURUS
It’s plantana bread, you philistine!
(A door opens and a panicked Dilophosaurus runs in.)
DILOPHOSAURUS
Emergency! Emergency! Christmas is under attack!
TYRANOSAURUS
What?!?
TRICERATOPS
What can you mean?
DILOPHOSAURUS
There’s a giant brontosaurus eating all our christmas trees!
TRICERATOPS
I think you mean apatosaurus. That’s what they’re called now.
DILOPHOSAURUS
Oh, right. Well, whatever it is, it’s out there, and it’s munching our
christmas trees!
TYRANOSAURUS
I’ll put a stop to this–they don’t call me the tyrant lizard for nothing!
TRICERATOPS
Are you sure it isn’t because you take forever to
order a latte?
TYRANOSAURUS
It’s because no one would dare oppose me on the battlefield,
especially after I’ve had a latte!
TRICERATOPS
What are you planning on doing to a 23-meter long apatosaur?
Scratch it with your two little fingers?
TYRANOSAURUS
Well, I–I could.
TRICERATOPS
Listen, anybody who hasn’t bought a tree by now isn’t trying. So I’m not at
all sure how this qualifies as an attack on Christmas.
DILOPHOSAURUS
Well, I admit that I’m prone to exaggeration. It’s probably not a big deal.
TYRANOSAURUS
So why did you burst in here?
Don’t you know we’re in the middle of a real crisis?
DILOPHOSAURUS
Well . . . . ever since you cut me from the annual pageant, I haven’t had a
lot to do . . . So . . . I’ve been taking a wine class . . . in my basement.
For a couple of days, now.
TRICERATOPS
Oh, dear. You know, Ty, maybe we could–
TYRANOSAURUS
The part of the savior has been filled! And you’re too short to be Joseph.
DILOPHOSAURUS
I could be one of the kings!
TYRANOSAURUS
The three kings do not have drinking problems!
DILOPHOSAURUS
You don’t know that!
TRICERATOPS
Actually, some scholars think that–
TYRANOSAURUS
Don’t you have something to gore?
TRICERATOPS
Yelling at me is not going to get you a Joseph.
TYRANOSAURUS
You know what? You know what? It’s a good thing
Mr. Drinklosaurus showed up, because now I have a
new assistant director.
TRICERATOPS
(Gasps)
DILOPHOSAURUS
You won’t regret this! Thank you so much.
TYRANOSAURUS
Your first act as assistant director is to get me
a nonfat latte with extra foam!
DILOPHOSAURUS
What size?
TYRANOSAURUS
Large, but not too large!
DILOPHOSAURUS
Right!
TYRANOSAURUS
And you, Mr. Triceratops–you can take off that
assistant director t-shirt right now!
TRICERATOPS
It’s my shirt, Ty.
TYRANOSAURUS
But it is a LIE!
TRICERATOPS
Fine, if it gets me out of listening to your little snits.
Good luck finding a Joseph!
TYRANOSAURUS
I’ve already figured that out! The brontosaurus can be Joseph!
TRICERATOPS
A-P-A-T-O-S-A-U-R-U-S
TYRANOSAURUS
Whatever! He’s taller than Mary, that’s all that matters!
TRICERATOPS
He’s THREE times the size of Mary.
TYRANOSAURUS
I take it that you’re not aware of the immaculate conception?
TRICERATOPS
Don’t drag this into the gutter. My point is that it’s no wonder that
there’s no room at the inn, Joseph is SEVENTY-FIVE-FEET long!
TYRANOSAURUS
Oh, now really. He didn’t want to the inn for himself.
SCENE 3: CHRISTMAS NEST!
SETTING: MR. and MRS. PTERODACTYL (2) are surveying their eggs in their mountain nest.
MR. PTERODACTYL
Oh, gosh, they’re all so sweet just lying there, encased in goo, inside
their shells, waiting for the day when they’ll capture smaller animals in
their claws, and possibly eat them in mid-air . . .
MRS. PTERODACTYL
Don’t get too attached. Some of them are bound
to get eaten by the neighbors.
MR. PTERODACTYL
Oh, I know, I know. Say–Christmas is only twelve days away!
MRS. PTERODACTYL
Yes?
MR. PTERODACTYL
W-w-w-w-well-well, I mean they’re going to hatch around then!
MRS. PTERODACTYL
Oh!
MR. PTERODACTYL
And we haven’t got them any presents.
MRS. PTERODACTYL
Oh, but they’re so little . . .
MR. PTERODACTYL
That doesn’t matter. We have to get them . . . something!
MRS. PTERODACTYL
How about those candy canes from the annual bake sale?
There are usually a bunch of them.
MR. PTERODACTYL
No, those suck! We should get them something . . . something fun.
A toy. Iknow! I’ll fly to the North Pole, to Santa’s workshop, and
bring back some toys!
MRS. PTERODACTYL
Harold!
MR. PTERODACTYL
Sure! And I’ll explain that I forgot to write him a letter because
we were busy fending off predators. He’ll understand!
MRS. PTERODACTYL
Couldn’t we just email him?
MR. PTERODACTYL
Oh yeah, we could do that.
THE END
1. This is all without all the safety harness nonsense, and he absolutely has to eat cookies and milk at every house.
2. I know that Pterodactyls are technically not dinosaurs, and that the term is vague. So these winged reptiles could be almost anybody in the Pteorodactyl family, except for Quetzalcoatlus northropi, which freak me out.
