Never Question My Methods

Brilliant.

Note the look that Ernie gives the camera when Bert says he’s putting work in like a slave.

Just have fun. Worry about the golden gizmo award later.

“On a personal note, I must again express to Conan my gratitude for, once upon a time, letting an ancient old goat – - – that would be me – - – invade his inner circle, albeit for a little while. Again, we, your loyal fans, will support and respect whatever decisions you make between now and a week from hence. As for the executives at NBC who let this nonsense happen – - – and you will note that I use the word “let” with utter disdain – - – I hope you’re all proud of yourselves. Be aware, though, that one day, you too might be forced into making an immediate decision that might shape the future of your network. If that future does not bode well, the insiders will doubtless blame you first.”

Please, Jimmy Wales and the Wikipedia community: never change this entry.

A muffin is a type of bread that is baked in small portions. Many forms are somewhat like small cakes or cupcakes in shape, although they usually are not as sweet as cupcakes and generally lack frosting. Savory varieties, such as cornbread muffins, also exist. They generally fit in the palm of an adult hand, and are intended to be consumed by an individual in a single sitting.

Is there frosting on your muffin? Because that is generally not muffin. Are you paying enough attention to the savory cornbread muffin? Good. It plays a larger role later on.

In Commonwealth countries muffin can also refer to a disk-shaped English muffin. As American-style muffins are also sold in Commonwealth countries, the term muffin can refer to either product, with the context usually making clear which is meant.

And if they aren’t, I shall write Queen Elizabeth II by the Grace of God.

There are many varieties and flavors of muffins made with a specific ingredient such as blueberries, chocolate chips, cucumbers, raspberry, cinnamon, pumpkin, date, nut, lemon, banana, orange, peach, strawberry, boysenberry, almond, and carrot, baked into the muffin. Muffins are often eaten for breakfast; alternatively, they may be served for tea or at other meals.

Occasionally, they are shoved into the mouth while moving at great speed through the Javits Center and other trade show venues, for energy replenishment. This is because they are the only food available and the Javits Center actually feeds off of psychic energy.

In Washington D.C., they are often used as air purifiers (to avoid smelling the dreaded Ginko trees), and as cigarettes.

A somewhat odd combination of circumstances in the 1970s and 1980s led to significant changes in what had been a rather simple, if not prosaic, food. The decline in home-baking, the health food movement, the rise of the specialty food shop, and the gourmet coffee trend all contributed to the creation of a new standard of muffin.^{[citation needed]}

Let us focus on the following phrases:

• “Prosaic” used to describe food. Specifically, a muffin. A prosaic muffin.

• The ominous wording “new standard of muffin” which practically echoes “new muffin order.”

Preservatives in muffin mixes led to the expectation that muffins did not have to go stale within hours of baking, but the resulting muffins were not a taste improvement over homemade^{[citation needed]}. On the other hand, the baked muffin, even if from a mix, seemed almost healthy compared to the fat-laden alternatives of doughnuts and Danish pastry. “Healthy” muffin recipes using whole grains and such “natural” things as yogurt and various vegetables evolved rapidly. But for “healthy” muffins to have any shelf-life without artificial preservatives, the sugar and fat content needed to be increased, to the point where the “muffins” are almost indistinguishable from cupcakes.

Almost indistinguishable from cupcakes. How can you doubt this statement?

Think about it: why do so many Americans serve muffins at birthdays? Why is it that a cupcake can walk into any US post office and request to be listed as a muffin on their passport? Why is that the world’s oldest living muffin, Apple Walnut, just recently held a press conference announcing that he is, in fact, an unfrosted cupcake, and his entire family, colleagues, and neighbors had no clue?

The rising market for gourmet snacks to accompany gourmet coffees resulted in fancier concoctions in greater bulk than the original, modestly sized corn muffin.

Look to the original corn muffin. Look to it and see what we’ve lost. We can never go back to that. I want to tell you that we can, but I don’t want to lie to you. The last corn muffin I ate tasted like my own tears.

The marketing trend toward larger portion sizes also resulted in new muffin pan types for home-baking, not only for increased size. Since the area ratio of muffin top to muffin bottom changed considerably when the traditional small round exploded into a giant mushroom, consumers became more aware of the difference between the soft texture of tops, allowed to rise unfettered, and rougher, tougher bottoms restricted by the pans.

Unfettered! Free! FREE!

Along with the increasing size of muffins is a contrary trend of extremely small muffins. It is now very common to see muffin pans or premade muffins that are only one or two inches in diameter.

Ahah! So, the tables have turned! Turnabout is fair play!

Wait, what is a premade muffin? Is that the same as an unmade muffin?

Citation needed.